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Tea for a Quick 'n Easy DIY Zombie Getup

It's a nice day for a zombie wedding.
It's a nice day for a zombie wedding.
Zombie mobs are the worst.
Zombie mobs are the worst.
Beach zombie, beach zombie, there on the sand...
Beach zombie, beach zombie, there on the sand...
"HONK
HONK
HONK
HONK — "

Not a pernicious juggalo, just your morning alarm.

Welcome back to the world of the Waking Dead.

Trudge out of bed. Blearily paw through the cupboard. Stumble around the kitchen for hot water, mug, bacon, eggs, brains...

Brains...

Mmm, brains.

How often do you go about the day feeling like a zombie? Hours stretching on end, trolling through the Interwebs in search of grey matter to feed the empty, lifeless feeling inside — 

Which makes it the perfect Halloween costume.

Quick 'n Easy DIY Zombie Getup
Ingredients:
Old clothes
Tea

Step 1: Get into the Zone. Watch this handy tutorial to gear up for the next steps. Let yourself be lulled by the sound of the calm, encouraging voiceover. This is the point at which you might want to make yourself a cup of tea. Go for something gently stimulating, like an oolong. Good for the creative juices.

This is the calm before the storm. Bid farewell to the unblemished state of your clothes.

Step 2: Attack! Get out the cheese grater and lay into your fabric to create the wear and tear of a zombie's endless marches in the pursuit of prey. If you don't have a cheese grater, mesh tea infusers or strainer balls — the ones that look like tiny colander spheres — make great alternatives, with the added benefit of reducing your chances of scraped knuckles.

If you're handy with fire, gently singe the edges of the fabric by holding it at least one inch away from the flame. Please do this with caution and when there are no pets or small children around.

Step 3: Now you've got something to dye for. Take your tea and steep the jeepers out of your fabric.

Tea gives you a rainbow of faux filth to play with. For rust and dried blood, Chinese black teas have a great reddy tint. Lapsang Souchong is fantastic for that extra smell of smoke as it stains. South Asian blacks err more on the brown side, with a sickly sweetness that lingers in your nose. Greens and lightly oxidized oolongs do well for all-purpose gore. Try Gunpowder — doubly awesome for your purposes, since its namesake is exactly what you'd need in the event of a zombie apocolypse.

Step 4: Rack 'n roll. Air-dry the ensemble on a clothesline or drying rack. The fabric will stiffen where it's been dyed, adding to its aged appearance. Looking good, bro.

Step 5: Make it 'til you fake it. Match your skin-sides to your insides with makeup. The tutorial includes special effects with liquid latex, which is totally optional if you're only going to be wearing this for one Halloween.

Step 6: Showtime. Pop a squat outside by the candy bowl. Wait with absolute zombie patience until the trick-or-treaters start to arrive. One move, and the look on kids' faces will be the best treat of all.