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Because You Always Wanted A Monocle

Forget Christian, meet Earl Grey.
Forget Christian, meet Earl Grey.
Equestrian style is always sleek
Equestrian style is always sleek
Monocles: Take THAT, Google Glass.
Monocles: Take THAT, Google Glass.

Earl Grey.

A black blend of rusty-sweet, followed by floral afternotes, all under the influence of bergamot's heady scent. Not to mention the way those cornflowers bobble like drunken tutus as it steeps, a small respite from the loneliness of paper-writing or deep space. (Hey there, Captain Picard.)

Yet the real Earl Grey was a slightly different gent from the shy, scholarly stereotype that flocks to his tea.

A member of the Whig party — same as George Washington, FYI — this British Prime Minister's regime saw the end of slavery in Great Britain. A gifted public speaker to rival Atticus Finch, he is popularly credited with saving mandarins and charming the ladies.

One can easily imagine the legendary Earl as a swashbuckling politick. So why not take a leaf out of his stylebook?

Yes! Now's your chance to indulge that secret — or not-so-secret — desire to deck yourself out in gentlemen's garb, tailored vests, and all the breeches. All of them. You can even go a bit military with it.

The look is as classic as its namesake tea. How often have you opened Vogue, or scrolled past one of the five million Buzzfeed articles on your Facebook page, to be screamed at by headlines: "Start slapping on the epaulets! Military chic is in! Equestrian chic is in!"

With all that popularity, tracking down awesome Earl-inspired clothing is easier than walking into Starbucks and getting hot water to go for free.

Even in the midst of this summer's deplorable BoHo trend, you can still find designers like Alexander Wang who employ stately cuffs and collars on their warm-weather collections. It's enough to snap anyone to attention.

Since the Earl was at his best behind the desk, you don't have to go army-crazy on this one. To do this look justice, go for pieces that make you want to stand a little straighter, walk a little taller than you did five minutes ago.

Example: riding boots. Love these things.

You get an instant OOMF of presence, and they make excellent click-taps down a hallway when no one's around.

Real ones cost upwards of $200.00 for quality, but you can find casual-wear mimics for considerably less in most mainstream fashion haunts, like H&M.

But if you're really willing to shell out with the whole Earl Grey ensemble, then go steampunk or go home.

Seeing as the Earl was in power during the Victorian Era — central to steampunk culture — then there is no better time than now to bring out the bustles, gloves, and leather helmets. If the Earl were around during our misbegotten era, then you can bet your bancha that he'd be packing goggles.

Only they'd be monocle-goggles. After all, we're still talking about nobility. Monocles are the hallmark of true gentlemen — or gentlewomen, because we don't discriminate in tea.

This look is also perfect if you consider yourself "color-challenged." Grey and grey, some dark tones to evoke the base black tea, and finish off with accents of cornflower blue.

Finally, invest in a pocket watch. It'll lend the right gravity to your monogoggle or pinstriped vest — and you'll always be on time for tea.

Cheers.