Drinks & Eats

Matcha, Matcha, Man

Matcha, Matcha, man...
Matcha, Matcha, man...
I've got to be a Matcha man!
I've got to be a Matcha man!

The problem with the word “matcha” is that it instinctively triggers a very certain song that was popular in the Millennial era of growing-up. Unfortunately, the lyrics of this song— not about matcha green tea, but about men classified as macho— are copyrighted and thus cannot be produced without either a) permission or b) approximately a years’ worth of actual matcha in bribe money.

So, while you’re going through the following narrative— if you really want to know what it’s like to live in the narrator’s thought process— please feel free to sing quietly to yourself in your head, every time you read the word “matcha.”

(Or just turn on the dang copyrighted song and play it in the background. For cup’s sake, stay with me.)

As established in previous articles, I’m a caffeine addict. But so is 99.99999065420692607%* of Manhattan, which renders this less of an issue when it comes to social acceptance.

When it comes to personal health, however… That’s where it gets tricky.

Last time I gave you the ginger saga, which ended with working off a stress fracture from overtraining. (Protip, kids: If you’re going to make walking your main mode of transportation, please don’t do it with a military-heavy backpack and a pair of Guess boots that trick you into racking up miles because they’re so goshdarn comfy. Your feet and your hip flexors will thank you.)

The other thing about stress fractures is that they cause you to look at other factors in your nutritional routine.

Now, compared to the average American, my coffai was pretty mild and healthy. Cloves are excellent for mineral absorption and bone density), after all.

But after reading up on how caffeine could delay the healing process for my little toe-dude— initially a nonunion fracture, which eventually started healing at a snail’s pace— I decided to challenge myself.

Cut out coffee completely.

But having done this before for Yom Kippur, I knew from painful experience that no matter how noble my intentions, I still needed caffeine to function. It comes with the territory of my profession; I need to be on my A-game when clients are lifting heavy things, especially when I don’t have an extra foot to help out if something goes amiss.

The immediate tea approximation would have to be matcha.

It came down to pure function. If you’re drinking pure powdered leaf, then matcha becomes an excellent source of measurable, controllable caffeine.

The additional systematic benefits were manifold:

1. Reduced prep time! Just add water, give it a shake, and go!

(I may or may not have used this as an excuse to treat myself to a blender bottle for this purpose. There are few more winning sensations than sticking your matcha into a cup designed for bodybuilders and shaking it like a Shake Wei— wait, no that’s another copyright. Dangit.)

2. Quadrupled* blending options!

Turmeric + Matcha = Beastly Turmatcha

Ginger + Matcha = Soothing Gingatcha

Maca + Matcha = Whoa Maccha

Matcha + Lemongrass + Chili + Basil = Spicy Cultural Appropriation of Thai-Flavored Matcha (Pairs well with coconut milk, takeout, and Netflix.)

The world was once more spectacular. However!

Super caveat here, folks.

If you’re going to be switching from the BOOMGOESTHEDYNAMITE rocket of coffee to the slower-metabolizing energy drip of matcha, then be prepared for the acclimation process.

It takes a lot more matcha than you’d think, to trick your body into thinking that it can live another day without espresso. You may have to double up on the recommended serving size to approximate the jolt of caffeine that you’re used to from the coffee, just to start off. Then, when you’re feeling more comfy with the dose— heart palpitations and jitteryness mean that it’s overkill— whittle it down as necessary.

Otherwise, there is such thing as a caffeine hangover. If you’ve even been hungover from other judgement-reducing products, kindly use your imagination for the effects.

Also, if you’ve never delved into matcha before, then I would highly recommend taking advantage of Adagio’s matcha collection for starters. Then get into all the fun flavored varieties, or start blending your own!

It feels good to embrace the matcha, matcha ma—


See? No copyright gonna come after us, bro. We run this matcha mafia, you hear me? We have alllllll the flavors. All of them. Even blueberry. And blueberry matcha is legit— antioxidants for days, man.


*Anecdotally verifiable but statistically inaccurate.

**Though if the blending options of coffai were already infinite, then I guess this is kind of moot. I’m a trainer, not a quantum physicist.